The Candy Bar Brawl and a selection of sweets and treats

Weight loss is an obsession for many who strive to lose weight. Losing weight does not need to be painful and tasteless. You may have read about the brilliant diet breakthroughs detailed in the article, "How to Get Candy Sweet Six Pack Abs With No Sweat" recently published in the American Journal of Diet, Nutrition and Exercise.

Lose weight! Lose weight! This is the message of the media, medical community and the First Lady, Michelle Obama. Better fat and happy is the belief of the majority! The 100% Candy Diet - Flab to Fab in 30 days- is highly recommended by the people and for the people.

In a recently concluded double-blind study, both blind men concluded that candy cannot easily be consumed if it is placed securely in the spaces between your toes. As long as the subject adheres to the simple proscriptions against the use of hands and the bending of knees, the subject can indulge in two footfuls of sugary chocolate ecstasy upon the completion of 333 simple stomach crunches. Repeated at each mealtime, each subject can conceivably ingest six footfuls of candy each day upon the completion of a mere 999 abdominal crunches.

The consumption of candy globally should rise astronomically as this diet goes viral. Be sure to tweet this secret formula for weight loss success to all of your twits. They too, will be unrestrained in their impulse to broadcast this diet solution to all their phat Face Book Friends. The two remaining subscribers to My Space can call each other on their iphones and droids and Skype lines and have a video conference.

There can be no substitute for this sugary success story. Buy a round of Snickers at the Candy Bar for all of your phat friends. Not your fat friends or your frat friends - only your phattest friends - you know, your homelys - to celebrate your abdominal Crunchie success.

What could be more delicious than eating only candy - morning, noon and night. You will love the chocolate craze - at breakfast, lunch and dinner. The Irish will put aside their craic and pick up a Crunchie.

This promises to be the most triumphant victory of any battle ever waged in the War on Drugs. Worldwide demand for the cocoa plant will surge to keep pace with the demand of chocolatiers everywhere. Chocoholics, instead of alcoholics, will be hogging our roadways. Columbians and Peruvians will be tearing up coca trees by their roots to reclaim another square foot of land for the production of chocolate rather than cocaine. "Things go better with Coke!"

Coffee futures will soar as a result of the competition for arable land. The price of a 'cup-o-joe' at Starbucks will outstrip the cost of a liter of petrol. Chocolate Milk Bars will replace the local Pub as the center of family life and social custom worldwide. Children will not be subjected to discrimination or excluded from the Candy Bars! Only the lactose intolerant will be screened at the door by security - as none can tolerate "the intolerant".

Gangstas, thugs, sex offenders, ex-cons, cons, addicts and alcoholics will all be sweetened up with the 100% Candy Diet. There will be a Candy Bar on every corner to supply a 'cherry cordial' sugar fix to satisfy every yearning. Prisons will be emptied in favor of "Candy Parole" and law enforcement will be reorganized into "Candy Patrols".

Nations will disband their armies and dissolve their borders in favor of the free movement of candy. Afghanistan will stop pushing "poppies" for heroin production and start producing "Power Belt Push Pops" instead. Terrorists and Iran (ancient Persia) will turn to "Atomic Fire Balls" to make some real heat at the tips of their tongues. Suicide bombers will opt for "Whoppers" and "Goobers" and will carry their message of insulin shock and sweetly expire by diabetic coma - more peacefully and in fewer pieces.

Just Imagine - as the late great John Lennon would - no borders and no religion, too.

Churches, Temples and Mosques could all be readily converted into Candy Bars. The world will become sweet and heavenly on the 100% Candy Diet. There would be no need for dogma. There would just be Snickers and Chuckles at the Candy Bars. There the Dove Bar of Peace would perch.

But even the sweetness of candy and the sugar rush might produce transient discontent and disorder. This local disruption is sociologically considered in the following scenario - the Candy Bar Brawl.

All bitterness will evolve into sweetness when this diet becomes viral. Circulate this article and save the world. Turn swords into plow shares with tons of Gummi Bears.

Candy Bar Brawl

Now you’ve all heard tell of the candy bar

Good and Plenty gather from near and far,

Galaxy Starburst Dots chocolate Sky

Mars Orbits Sunkist Star on sugar high;

ooOOoo

Eclipse of Moon Pies Twinkle Pop our star

Milky Way home of our sweet CandyBar,

Scrumdiddlyumptious is all we need say

Kazoozle where booze‘ll make Kit Kats sway;

ooOOoo

Some Sour Powerbelts got cinched real tight

Mounds of trouble bubbled Halloween night,

Triple Power Push Pops crashed the parties

And mixed it up with a pack of Smarties;

ooOOoo

Chunky told jokes on stage and got Chuckles

Laffy Taffy got loud drawing knuckles,

Tolberone got pissed and Sluggled Muggle

Junior and Necco Mints joined the struggle;

ooOOoo

The Mints sided with the pack of Smarties

Who trashed the Push Pops who crashed their parties,

Laffy Taffy tended her swollen eye

Tolberone got bounced with a Nerdish sigh;

ooOOoo

The fray parlayed and Clark caught a Whopper

Necco got popped – Pez poked a Gobstopper,

Runts went down – Junior Jabbed a Jawbreaker

Clark barred a Blow Pop – Kicked an Icebreaker;

ooOOoo

Free Cherry Cordials – Happy Hour tonight!

Bubbles bare breasts bounced in Milkdud delight,

Atomic Fireball meltdown fanned the flame

Almond Joy stripped her wrapper when Mars came;

ooOOoo

Chick-O-Sticks licked cymbals and drums with flare

Razzle reeled and jigged with Gummi Bear,

Jelly Beans plucked base strings, Sky’s sax sang sweet

Tootsie Roll slicked keys for Raisinettes’ heat;

ooOOoo

Muggle retreated with his Push Pop pals

Loading the CandyBar full of sweet gals,

Turkish Taffy let twenty through the door

Godiva grabbed Goobers on the dance floor;

ooOOoo

Pixy Stix and Twix Squiggled to Heath’s song

Sweet Tarts mingled with Tic Tacs all night long,

Twizzlers and Crunchie traded horoscopes

Juicy Fruits swapped Hershey Kisses and gropes;

ooOOoo

Chuckles and laughter filled the CandyBar

Sugar sanitarium door ajar,

Mary Jane flashed her Bit-O-Honey pride

Sugar Daddy bought a Gold Money ride;

ooOOoo

The CandyBar rocked with honey and whey

Nibbling, fiddling, tasty Chicklettes at play,

Baby Ruth chewed on his Gummy Cigar

Snickers all around at the CandyBar;

ooOOoo

Wherever you go with sweetness in mind

Its sugar and spice and nice you will find,

If sweet is your nature, don’t travel far

Just come to our suite at the Candy Bar.

ooOOoo

© 2010 Gerry Gilligan,

pseudonym- sligobay

All photos, poems and articles © 2010 Gerry Gilligan

The best way to burn fat is with a candy bar. The second best way to burn fat and flatten your stomach is with the one hundred percent candy diet. This is the diet solution that everyone has been seeking. Why leave butter out of chicken recipes when they were meant to be together? Fat loss tips are very much like second medical opinions.

The Doctor tells you that you will be dead in six months. Our self delusion tells us that we best start losing weight now by eating healthy. Not on your life is that the majority response. To the contrary, once the inevitability of death is accepted, a little extra body fat might prove palliative and pleasurable for the final voyage. This is not the time to start marathon training or even the right time to quit smoking - cigars, or whatever, if its medically necessary. Do not stop drinking under such circumstances. You wait two weeks for the appointment to get your second medical opinion which now differs. " I'm afraid you'll be taking your leave of us in five and a half months", he says. You object but resign yourself to your fate. As you are leaving, he adds that you could stand to shed a few pounds and spare the pall bearers. He offers to accept your insurance for his medical weight management program. You race to the gym to get some abdominal exercise to burn fat.

You stop at the Italian bakery to buy some whole grain bread and consider some healthy dessert recipes. Healthy meal ideas are no longer your preference. Didn't you avoid high fructose corn syrup and hydrogenated oil for most of your adult life? Didn't you take your workouts seriously and eat moderate portions in healthy meal plans? This is the time to throw caution to the four winds.

Since death is inevitable, each of us should engage in self-indulgent eating behaviors from the earliest date possible. Why save disappointment until the very end of your life. If you embrace the one hundred percent candy diet at an early age, then you will surrender your expectation to remain healthy and won't be disappointed at the bad news when it comes. You may be pleasantly surprised at fifty or sixty if the fatal prognosis is delayed until then. Take your eternal reward of the 100% Candy Diet in this life rather than waiting to find out if there are Candy Bars in Heaven. Everyone loves candy - the good, the bad and the ugly.  "Snickers all around at the Candy Bar", will be the World's common chorus.