Haunted Toilets, Toiletries, Bathroom Fixtures and Accessories

Toilet Tactics

Women are wonderful; albeit very fussy and demanding. This is particularly true in the bathroom. Lift the seat before you pee. Put the seat back down after you tinkle. Don’t leave your beard in my wash basin. Scrub the toilet with that brush beside it so I can pee in a clean toilet. No, the residue will not clean itself eventually. Remove your hair from the drain trap in the tub. How can I bathe and get clean with your hair all over me? You all know the drill; unless you are a cloistered monk or a perennial resident of a fraternity like “Animal House” or a barn animal like in Charlotte’s Web or Animal Farm.

The frustration of 100% compliance can lead a man to passive aggression in the bathroom. Only the direct method of passive aggression can bring complete relief and result in sufficient “boweley” laughter. That word is a hybrid combining “bowl” with “bowel” whilst still causing the bellicose laughter to emanate from the belly where the best laughter lays in wait for release.

The “Saran Solution” is suggested for the passive aggressive male. NO! Not Saran Gas!

“Saran Wrap”! ,i.e., the clear plastic wrapping that comes on a roll, not the hip hop musical variety. First things first, as directed by the women in our lives, mother, daughter, sister, wife, partner or nun, “Lift the seat” of the toilet. Then, scrub the toilet spic and span, impeccably clean and sterile – with “her” toothbrush. No, No – just kidding about that- “that’s way over the top” and disgusting too; not funny. Remember, you may have to kiss that mouth!

Be sure that you have fully voided or this tactic may backfire. Dry the surface of the porcelain bowl thoroughly. Apply a seamless layer of Saran Wrap to the toilet orifice. Be sure to pull it taut and leave generous amounts overhanging the toilet seat to cause it to adhere properly. You will want it to be taut enough to cause a coin to bounce when dropped from two feet above the toilet seat. If the test is successful, you can gently lower the seat so that it is ready and inviting for the lady of the house.

WARNING: *** DISCLAIMER:***

Do Not Employ this ‘tactic’ unless engaged in pitched battle, i.e., “War of the Roses”!

The response will be an escalation of hostilities without any doubt. This is a desperate measure for a desperate man. DO NOT expose a random target or victim to your prank. Unless you are certain that the object of your ire rather than the BFF will fall victim, abandon any thought of this tactic. CAVEAT: You will feel terrible either way. Success demands retaliation. Failure has “zero” deniability. “I was just trying to stop the mosquitoes from breeding, honey. I never thought that you would need to use the toilet”. NOT. That “shit” just won’t flush.

© 2011 Gerry Gilligan,

pseudonym- sligobay

All photos, poems and articles © 2011 Gerry Gilligan

I neglected to note that this Hub is a contest entry in the private competition sponsored by Stan Fletcher and his 20 topics. Anyone can enter the contest by going to Stan's Hub and reading the contest rules.

http://hubpages.com/hub/Another-Fantabulous-Hub-Co

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As sure as birth and death, we need to use the bowl

Youth revolts at fettered voids, unnatural to the soul,

Let things fall where they may, while I'm engaged in play

Don't disturb my sleep, the load in my huggies will stay;

But tempt them with that potty chair, high praise and treats

Lull child with kisses when it delivers morn's dry sheets,

Big boy! no more baby! good job! are laurels said

Good girl! great job! perfect poo! no more wetted bed.

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© 2011 Gerry Gilligan,

pseudonym- sligobay

All photos, poems and articles © 2011 Gerry Gilligan

Toilet Tricks

Magnetism is your best friend since the science fair in the fourth grade.

You actually understand this force from your own experiments. More specifically,

reverse polarity is the force that you will want to harness for the

‘haunted toilet’ illusion.

WARNING:

There is danger threatened where and when you employ electricity

in close proximity with water.

CAVEAT: If this stunt goes awry, you may literally shock the shit outa someone!

Materials: Two low voltage batteries, copper wire,

Two manual switches to complete the circuits, Two 2”x4” platinum plates,

one roll electrical tape, one container heavy grip adhesive.

Preparations: Wrap each platinum plate tightly in coils of copper wire,

electrify and create two magnets. Use adhesive to secure one magnet

to the underside of the toilet seat and the other to the porcelain bowl

directly opposite to the one affixed to the seat. Create two complete copper

wire circuits connecting each one to a battery and a magnet and a switch.

Make sure that the magnets are mounted in reverse polarity. Connect your

circuits to the light switch on the bathroom wall. When properly connected,

the reverse polarity will cause the toilet to jump up and down until the light

switch is tuned off.

Execution or electrocution: Please exercise extreme caution to avoid one or both.

PS: If you can’t figure out these simple principles of electricity, then assign

this project to your fourth grader. They can use this project for their science fair.

PPS: Be sure to include the “Haunted Toilet” on your front porch at Halloween!!!

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There is nothing unique or even unusual about haunted toilets if you've ever visited YouTube. It seems that few toilets are not haunted in one way or another. There is the self flushing haunt, the seat moving haunt and the evil faced toilet haunt. The funniest of all is the "Tidy Bowl Man".

"Tidy Bowl" is the first toilet sanitizer that I can recall. The advert features a little man in a boat floating in the toilet bowl. Countless sanitizing products have since emerged, but I still look for the fella in the boat in the bowl.

The funniest featured man in the bowl was a comedian in a port-o-potty. As persons entered, and closed the door, his head emerged from the bowl. The reactions are hysterical.

As my guts convulsed and innards bellowed

My sphincter taut to contain blasted burst,

My teeth were clenched and my face was yellowed

As I limped crippled to let loose the worst;

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My hand grabbed deftly for the toilet lid

As the beast from my bottom craved release,

And throw rug from beneath my feet just slid

Feet flew in the air as if on trapeze;

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Back struck the tiles crashing down on the ground

Head cracked the porcelain throne of relief,

Laughter echoed from eerie source profound

Norse Loki appeared, donned in his mischief;

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Leaped to my feet bent like pretzel knotted

Knob on my head swollen and throbbing still,

Bowed and beat with lucid thoughts besotted

Bespattered by bowel purged by the spill;

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Befuddled and soiled, I climbed in the shower

Hoping to wash the dirt and grit away,

As I stripped 'neath pulsing stream's power

The toilet flushed itself in ghostly play;

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Warm water steeped to boil, body recoiled

Flesh melted like cheese on barbecue grill,

Handle dislodged 'midst laughter embroiled

Naked and burned, my horror shrieked shrill;

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Dove from the lava pouring upon me

Craving the cool of the tiles beneath me,

Shocked and confused, there was no mystery

Rocked and abused, my ghost nearly killed me.

ooOOoo

© 2011 Gerry Gilligan,

pseudonym- sligobay

All photos, poems and articles © 2011 Gerry Gilligan